Jumping on the Sleep Training Bandwagon

There's nothing more frustrating and discombobulating then when something that's always worked, suddenly doesn't. I remember one morning before school in fifth grade realizing that my eyebrows, which had always been normal, were suddenly looking very much like Bert's from Sesame Street. And so, the life-long journey of tweezing began. Relationships are no different. You can't continue to put in the same amount of effort if you want a relationship to grow deeper. My teacher during Kallah classes said "there's no such thing as coasting through your marriage. If you aren't moving forwards, you're moving backwards." I have found this statement to be incredibly true as a wife. Being a good spouse takes energy, committment, and creativity. The conversations that felt intense and gave me butterflies while we were engaged are now old news. As a couple there is a need to continue to share, encourage, and expand communication or else the relationship could become dissapointing, boring, and eventually self-destructive. Thank G-d, I feel like Eli and I are very aware of the need to stay connected, even if that means changing and moving with one another in unexpected ways. But the biggest and clearest example in my life, is being able to give Yehuda Or what he needs. He is not a cute puppy that can be trained and will then wag his tail obediently, whine for his food, and accompany us on walks for the rest of his life. When you have a baby, you get a person. And this person needs me to keep up with him.

I have loved co-sleeping for the past 14 months. When he was a newborn, and I was nursing him every 45 minutes, it made the most sense to have him nestled against me. As he grew, Eli and I discussed the options and decided that at least until he was six months old we wanted him with us at night. There's something very special about drifting off to sleep all cuddled together, and waking up to a baby gently playing with your face is pure heaven. Falling asleep until about 3 months ago wasn't a big deal. He got sleepy around 8, at which point we would do a combination of rocking and nursing for about 30 minutes and then lay him down in his crib. When he woke up around 2 hours later, I would happily bring him into bed to nurse, loving the excuse to have such an early bedtime. But, just like when he started to eat real food it meant suddenly shopping for 3, and just like when he could crawl it meant babyproofing every inch of the house, Yehuda Or's sleep needs changed. It took a couple of months for us to realize that it wasn't because he had been sick, or because he was teething. Yes, those factors are important, but night-time had slowly become miserable for all three of us. Yehuda Or would be falling on his face with exhaustion, whining and crying no matter what we did. Rocking him in our arms made him more agitated, nursing seemed to make him want to eat, and it could easily be three or four hours of temper tantrums before he would finally pass out in front of the laptop watching Baby Einstein around 2 AM. Eli and I would have already each taken a turn and a nap, desperate for sleep.

I really avoided dealing with this change. I wanted so badly to believe that sleep training in any form would be traumatic and pure evil. But the more I read, and the more we lost control of our nights, I realized that this just might be the next step. It got to the point that I felt like he was asking us to teach him to go to sleep. He wasn't crying because he wanted another yogurt, or because he wanted to watch another movie. He was hysterical because he was exhausted and didn't know how to fall asleep. Now, I'm not going to pretend that there were no selfish motives behind the decision to sleep train. Evenings had become depressing and infuriating, Eli and I were snapping at each other, and I was starting to feel like an unhappy person due to sleep deprivation (let's not forget that during pregnancy you should be getting between 9-12 hours of sleep a day). So yes, we have officially jumped on the bandwagon. Tonight is only the second night so I can't yet tell you if our attempt has been successful, but I can sum up what we've done and how he's responded so far...

After reading everything from Ferber (super strict) to The No Cry Sleep Solution (big fat lie by the way that there's absolutely "no crying") we decided to go with the custom made Veffer Method. Our goals were as follows, in this order:
1. Teach him to fall asleep in his crib (not nursing, being held, or in our bed)
2. Not compromise on him feeling safe
3. Avoid crying as much as possible while ensuring that goal #1 is still successful

I can't lie - there was crying involved. You can't teach a baby to do something new and uncomfortable with absolutely zero tears. But here's the thing - Yehuda Or is not a five month old (no offense to those who sleep trained at five months, this is just the way I personally feel about it) with no understanding or awareness of "yes" and "no." He has temper tantrums, he wants things that he can't have, and he, unfortunately, must hear "no" every day. It's not a terrifying betrayal anymore for him to cry when he doesn't get what he wants. He also has an awareness of Ima and Abba now. He has been with a babysitter and knows that even if Ima is gone for a little while, she always comes back. I really felt like he had the internal tools to be able to handle this transition. Ok, to make a long story short, it went like this:

We turned on the night light, sang a little, nursed a little, and then put him in his crib and said "night night." We left the door open because a closed door is really scary for him. We took turns going in to him every 3 minutes. He cried. But when we came him he calmed down and eventually let us lie him down in his crib. After about 40 minutes of this we went in every 5 minutes. By this point he was exhuasted and also realizing that we weren't going to call it off. He started lying down very easily and wanting us to cover him with his blanket and tuck him in. In total it took an hour and twenty minutes. Eli patted his back gently when he went in for his check and Yehuda Or drifted off to sleep in less than a minute. He woke up an hour later and we patted his back just like before. He was asleep in 3 minutes. Then, something amazing happened. He slept until 2:50 AM. No nursing, no crying, just blissful sleep for all of us. At 2:50 I nursed him in the rocking chair, kissed him a LOT, and then put him back in his crib. He cried again and we did the exact same drill until 4:30. But, just like the time before, once he realized that he wasn't coming out, he lied down and fell asleep while we rubbed his back. Around 6:30 he woke up and I brought him into bed. We nursed and cuddled until 8. It felt amazing, and he got more sleep than he's gotten in over 2 months.

Tonight I started the routine an hour earlier because I think his schedule needs to be pulled back a bit. At 6:15 PM I dimmed the light, read him a couple of books, and sang some songs while he nursed in the rocking chair. I waited until his eyes closed and then gently unlatched him. He protested with a little cry, but when I put him in his crib and said "Here's your blanket and here's your sheep. Ima's here, and I love you. Night night." He closed his eyes, hugged his lamb, and was asleep in minutes. I left the room at 6:27 PM. Pretty good for the second night.

Honestly, I'm relieved to have begun this process. I've been anxious about how our sleep routine would handle another baby. I only feel slightly guilty, and it's not because I think this isn't the right decision for Yehuda Or, but because sleep training is something I spoke out against passionately and felt that there was never any appropriate time or place for. It's funny how parenthood's most consistent lesson (so far) has been "everyone is different." This change has forced me to re-evaluate my "rules" as a mother, and it has reminded me that like all important aspects of life, I need be able to recognize a need for change.