Sunday, July 17, 2011

A Birth, a Baby, and a Big Brother

I was starting to think that pregnancy was my new permanent state of being. I knew that it had to come to an end at some point, but it's so difficult to actually picture life with an entirely new person and the end of pregnancy is SO uncomfortable that I stopped believing the baby would ever actually be born. But he was! I'm still processing the birth, but I think I can give a quick overview of the events by now.

I was huge and uncomfortable. I was starting to feel gloomy at my inability to hoist myself off the couch, and at how incredibly exhausted I felt no matter how much sleep I got. On Sunday night, July 3rd I decided to get an acupuncture/reflexology treatment to relax and hopefully to induce myself. The session was amazing. I felt totally loosened up both physically and emotionally. I felt very confident that the labor was imminent when I went to sleep that night. Sure enough, at 4:00 am I woke up to sharp contractions that took me right back to Yehuda Or's birth. It was this feeling of "Oh yeah... so THAT'S what these things are like." I felt like the labor could progress really fast so we needed to just book it to the hospital.

Turned out that my contractions stayed 10-15 minutes apart and instead of checking in to the hospital (and being stuck on the monitor on a horribly uncomfortable hospital bed) we checked into the Hadassah Baby Hotel where I labored calmly and comfortably. By 1:00 pm (now Monday, July 4th) I was really ready to go. Contractions stayed 5 minutes apart but I was in extreme pain and needed to groan or yell during each contraction. Eli found a wheel chair (embarrassing, yes) and off we went back to the delivery ward. By the time I was checked I was almost 5 cm dilated and since it was my second birth they rushed me into a room immediately. Ok, it was 2:00 pm when I got into my room. My son was born at 3:33 pm. So we're only talking an hour and thirty three minutes here. I'm not going to go into detail, but I screamed the baby out. There's just no other way to say it. It wasn't a "bad experience" but it definitely wasn't what I'd call a positive one. After Yehuda Or's birth, which felt peaceful, calm, and under control, this birth just felt very frantic and out of control. I have now had one birth with an epidural, and one birth completely natural. I can tell you with 100% certainty that I never plan to go through natural childbirth again. It's not that it's impossible or that I don't undersand why people might want to, it's just that for me personally, I found the epidural (with Yehuda Or) to really take the "I'm going to die" aspect of labor out of the equation and that's something I really don't want to experience again. One time's enough, THANK you.

Ok enough about pain... then my gorgeous 8.7 pound baby was born! He is the yummiest, calmest, and easiest little guy. He has beautiful big, blue eyes and the most perfect heart-shaped lips. He sleeps like a champ and I'm completely in love. I just want to kiss him constantly. Yehuda Or is amazing. I'm so proud of him, and at the same time I'm so sad for him that he is indeed going through a massive transition. I hate knowing that he feels confused and upset. But all things considered, he's doing great. He loves to kiss and "hold" Coby (full name is Yaakov Asher for mine and Eli's paternal grandfathers), and he sings a song "Cooooby" that melts my heart. The main change that we see is that other kids (especially babies) really stress him out right now. I think he's putting so much energy into "sharing" me and Eli with the baby that he absolutely can't share anything else. Which I think is totally healthy and I'm more than happy to help him through this transition by taking his cues and not pushing him in any way. It's a little tough on a selfish level, because it means I can't hang out with friends who have kids right now. But I'm first and foremost a mom right now, and just like everything else, this too shall pass. Eventually.

I'm still terrified to be alone with the two boys, but tonight I did bedtime myself and it only took an hour and half! Ridiculous I know, but for my first try I think it's pretty good. I'm trying to just take a deep breath and not get overwhelmed by this new challenge, and instead just feel the incredible amount of bracha that I've been given. Two wonderful, healthy, and beautiful children... and the most amazing husband who (just like last time) was my rock through the labor and birth. My heart feels so full and so complete when Eli's sitting on the couch, both boys on his lap. Love is so good.

I'll try to check in more often now ~ lila tov!