August 21st was my birthday. It was the first birthday that I didn't open my eyes with that special birthday anticipation. To the contrary, I stumbled into the kitchen at 6:05 to get Yehuda Or his apple juice, changed Coby's poopy diaper, and watched an episode of Barney before I remembered. It wasn't until I looked at the spoil-date on the milk before pouring it into my coffee that I realized "Hey! It's my birthday!"
Eli had a horrible, sleepless night, so I was doing the early shift solo, but as soon as I woke him up he ushered me to go take a shower and get dressed. When I came into the dining room he had made a delicious breakfast and he and Yehuda Or had drawn a beautiful "Happy Birthday Ima" sign. It was a fantastic birthday. But obviously nothing went as planned. We waited at the security checkpoint to get into Jerusalem for over half an hour, parking at Malcha Mall was a nightmare, and the mall was so packed because of summer break that I couldn't hear myself speak, let alone find the headspace to shop. But you know what? We got Yehuda Or a new pair of sneakers, I got two novels that I'm psyched to read, and just being out, the four of us, actually felt like a terrific birthday present. I remember that as a child my mom always wanted to "do something as a family" for her birthday. It didn't really matter what, just as long as we were doing something that didn't involve sitting in front of a screen. She wanted us to be together and interacting. That's exactly what this birthday made me realize - what makes me happy now, in this stage of life, is the simple togetherness of my new, blossoming family. I decided to call the night babysitter and cancel - instead of getting all dressed up and going out somewhere fancy, I just wanted to get in pajamas, order some take-out sushi, and hang out with Eli and my boys.
After a very full day, we put Yehuda Or to sleep (by the way, he goes to sleep COMPLETELY by himself now, in a BED) and I had a moment to think about birthdays past, and how much life has changed. Just three birthdays ago I was engaged, meeting my future in-laws for the first time in Toronto. I was hopelessly in love, optimistic, and couldn’t wait to have children and create a family. By my next birthday I was 5 months pregnant with Yehuda Or. So I’m 24 with two kids. Yeesh, life moves fast. In a good way though. Despite the temper-tantrums and sleep deprivation, I’m a very happy person. I feel productive, I feel satisfied, I feel excited, and most of all, I feel so much love. Yes I get cranky, yes I have off days. But I can’t believe how on top of it I feel seven weeks postpartum. I think after Yehuda Or was born I was in so much shock - I was going through this intense identity change and suddenly I was so responsible for another person. I loved him immensely and yet I was so overwhelmed by the reality of being a mother. I worried so much about every sneeze, every poop. With Coby, the love is easy and uncomplicated. I’ve been there, done that, so now I can just simply enjoy his mushy, chubby cheeks and try my best to hang onto to every moment before it slips away.
My new job (on top of nanny, chef, housecleaner, etc...) is losing the pregnancy weight! Note to self: next time, don’t eat like there’s no tomorrow. Because now it’s tomorrow and I’m dealing with the consequences of a lot of Ben and Jerry’s. Somehow it’s empowering to be on a diet though - I’m eating super healthy food, cooking a ton (so Eli and Yehuda Or are happy as well), and my energy is high. Also, breastfeeding and pushing a double stroller around Efrat is expediting the weight-loss process.
That’s all for now... thanks for reading! Shabbat Shalom!
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
A Birth, a Baby, and a Big Brother
I was starting to think that pregnancy was my new permanent state of being. I knew that it had to come to an end at some point, but it's so difficult to actually picture life with an entirely new person and the end of pregnancy is SO uncomfortable that I stopped believing the baby would ever actually be born. But he was! I'm still processing the birth, but I think I can give a quick overview of the events by now.
I was huge and uncomfortable. I was starting to feel gloomy at my inability to hoist myself off the couch, and at how incredibly exhausted I felt no matter how much sleep I got. On Sunday night, July 3rd I decided to get an acupuncture/reflexology treatment to relax and hopefully to induce myself. The session was amazing. I felt totally loosened up both physically and emotionally. I felt very confident that the labor was imminent when I went to sleep that night. Sure enough, at 4:00 am I woke up to sharp contractions that took me right back to Yehuda Or's birth. It was this feeling of "Oh yeah... so THAT'S what these things are like." I felt like the labor could progress really fast so we needed to just book it to the hospital.
Turned out that my contractions stayed 10-15 minutes apart and instead of checking in to the hospital (and being stuck on the monitor on a horribly uncomfortable hospital bed) we checked into the Hadassah Baby Hotel where I labored calmly and comfortably. By 1:00 pm (now Monday, July 4th) I was really ready to go. Contractions stayed 5 minutes apart but I was in extreme pain and needed to groan or yell during each contraction. Eli found a wheel chair (embarrassing, yes) and off we went back to the delivery ward. By the time I was checked I was almost 5 cm dilated and since it was my second birth they rushed me into a room immediately. Ok, it was 2:00 pm when I got into my room. My son was born at 3:33 pm. So we're only talking an hour and thirty three minutes here. I'm not going to go into detail, but I screamed the baby out. There's just no other way to say it. It wasn't a "bad experience" but it definitely wasn't what I'd call a positive one. After Yehuda Or's birth, which felt peaceful, calm, and under control, this birth just felt very frantic and out of control. I have now had one birth with an epidural, and one birth completely natural. I can tell you with 100% certainty that I never plan to go through natural childbirth again. It's not that it's impossible or that I don't undersand why people might want to, it's just that for me personally, I found the epidural (with Yehuda Or) to really take the "I'm going to die" aspect of labor out of the equation and that's something I really don't want to experience again. One time's enough, THANK you.
Ok enough about pain... then my gorgeous 8.7 pound baby was born! He is the yummiest, calmest, and easiest little guy. He has beautiful big, blue eyes and the most perfect heart-shaped lips. He sleeps like a champ and I'm completely in love. I just want to kiss him constantly. Yehuda Or is amazing. I'm so proud of him, and at the same time I'm so sad for him that he is indeed going through a massive transition. I hate knowing that he feels confused and upset. But all things considered, he's doing great. He loves to kiss and "hold" Coby (full name is Yaakov Asher for mine and Eli's paternal grandfathers), and he sings a song "Cooooby" that melts my heart. The main change that we see is that other kids (especially babies) really stress him out right now. I think he's putting so much energy into "sharing" me and Eli with the baby that he absolutely can't share anything else. Which I think is totally healthy and I'm more than happy to help him through this transition by taking his cues and not pushing him in any way. It's a little tough on a selfish level, because it means I can't hang out with friends who have kids right now. But I'm first and foremost a mom right now, and just like everything else, this too shall pass. Eventually.
I'm still terrified to be alone with the two boys, but tonight I did bedtime myself and it only took an hour and half! Ridiculous I know, but for my first try I think it's pretty good. I'm trying to just take a deep breath and not get overwhelmed by this new challenge, and instead just feel the incredible amount of bracha that I've been given. Two wonderful, healthy, and beautiful children... and the most amazing husband who (just like last time) was my rock through the labor and birth. My heart feels so full and so complete when Eli's sitting on the couch, both boys on his lap. Love is so good.
I'll try to check in more often now ~ lila tov!
I was huge and uncomfortable. I was starting to feel gloomy at my inability to hoist myself off the couch, and at how incredibly exhausted I felt no matter how much sleep I got. On Sunday night, July 3rd I decided to get an acupuncture/reflexology treatment to relax and hopefully to induce myself. The session was amazing. I felt totally loosened up both physically and emotionally. I felt very confident that the labor was imminent when I went to sleep that night. Sure enough, at 4:00 am I woke up to sharp contractions that took me right back to Yehuda Or's birth. It was this feeling of "Oh yeah... so THAT'S what these things are like." I felt like the labor could progress really fast so we needed to just book it to the hospital.
Turned out that my contractions stayed 10-15 minutes apart and instead of checking in to the hospital (and being stuck on the monitor on a horribly uncomfortable hospital bed) we checked into the Hadassah Baby Hotel where I labored calmly and comfortably. By 1:00 pm (now Monday, July 4th) I was really ready to go. Contractions stayed 5 minutes apart but I was in extreme pain and needed to groan or yell during each contraction. Eli found a wheel chair (embarrassing, yes) and off we went back to the delivery ward. By the time I was checked I was almost 5 cm dilated and since it was my second birth they rushed me into a room immediately. Ok, it was 2:00 pm when I got into my room. My son was born at 3:33 pm. So we're only talking an hour and thirty three minutes here. I'm not going to go into detail, but I screamed the baby out. There's just no other way to say it. It wasn't a "bad experience" but it definitely wasn't what I'd call a positive one. After Yehuda Or's birth, which felt peaceful, calm, and under control, this birth just felt very frantic and out of control. I have now had one birth with an epidural, and one birth completely natural. I can tell you with 100% certainty that I never plan to go through natural childbirth again. It's not that it's impossible or that I don't undersand why people might want to, it's just that for me personally, I found the epidural (with Yehuda Or) to really take the "I'm going to die" aspect of labor out of the equation and that's something I really don't want to experience again. One time's enough, THANK you.
Ok enough about pain... then my gorgeous 8.7 pound baby was born! He is the yummiest, calmest, and easiest little guy. He has beautiful big, blue eyes and the most perfect heart-shaped lips. He sleeps like a champ and I'm completely in love. I just want to kiss him constantly. Yehuda Or is amazing. I'm so proud of him, and at the same time I'm so sad for him that he is indeed going through a massive transition. I hate knowing that he feels confused and upset. But all things considered, he's doing great. He loves to kiss and "hold" Coby (full name is Yaakov Asher for mine and Eli's paternal grandfathers), and he sings a song "Cooooby" that melts my heart. The main change that we see is that other kids (especially babies) really stress him out right now. I think he's putting so much energy into "sharing" me and Eli with the baby that he absolutely can't share anything else. Which I think is totally healthy and I'm more than happy to help him through this transition by taking his cues and not pushing him in any way. It's a little tough on a selfish level, because it means I can't hang out with friends who have kids right now. But I'm first and foremost a mom right now, and just like everything else, this too shall pass. Eventually.
I'm still terrified to be alone with the two boys, but tonight I did bedtime myself and it only took an hour and half! Ridiculous I know, but for my first try I think it's pretty good. I'm trying to just take a deep breath and not get overwhelmed by this new challenge, and instead just feel the incredible amount of bracha that I've been given. Two wonderful, healthy, and beautiful children... and the most amazing husband who (just like last time) was my rock through the labor and birth. My heart feels so full and so complete when Eli's sitting on the couch, both boys on his lap. Love is so good.
I'll try to check in more often now ~ lila tov!
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Guess How Much I Love You
This is a little late, but in honor of Mother's Day I wanted to give my mom a shout out:
When my son was placed on my chest, tiny and perfect, shrieking with life, you were next to me holding my hand.
Only in the past few months has it dawned on me, that you love me the way I love Yehuda Or.
Being a mother has opened this door into our relationship - into why you cared so much when I was hurt by girls in middle school, and why you worried so much when I was determined to make some seriously stupid mistakes. Yes, I also now understand why you insist that I "wasn't a bad teenager" even though I cringe at some of the things I remember saying.
You love me the way I love Yehuda Or.
It's such a deep, endless, take-your-breath-away love.
It's the kind of love that will not fade, despite being pooped on, puked on, and woken up at all hours of the night.
This love is the real thing - in your bones love that runs through your veins and will exist as long as your heart is beating.
This love, is motherhood love.
So thank you Mom for carrying me for those nine long months filled with backaches and leg cramps, mood swings and heartburn.
Thank you for "oohing" and "aahing" through hours of contractions, for pushing your body to its limit so that I could be born.
Thank you for nursing me, holding me when I got a "boo boo," and reading me "Goodnight Moon" eight million times.
I understand now that I am still your baby, even though I have my own. You will always be my biggest fan, and you will always think about me as you drift off to sleep.
Yehuda Or climbs into my bed in the morning when he wakes up and I have to hold back from squeezing him too tight. He is perfect, and no matter how many mistakes he might make in his life, he will remain in some ways my innocent, beautiful baby boy.
Thank you for believing in me so strongly Mom, for being so invested in me.
Thank you so much for being my mom.
When my son was placed on my chest, tiny and perfect, shrieking with life, you were next to me holding my hand.
Only in the past few months has it dawned on me, that you love me the way I love Yehuda Or.
Being a mother has opened this door into our relationship - into why you cared so much when I was hurt by girls in middle school, and why you worried so much when I was determined to make some seriously stupid mistakes. Yes, I also now understand why you insist that I "wasn't a bad teenager" even though I cringe at some of the things I remember saying.
You love me the way I love Yehuda Or.
It's such a deep, endless, take-your-breath-away love.
It's the kind of love that will not fade, despite being pooped on, puked on, and woken up at all hours of the night.
This love is the real thing - in your bones love that runs through your veins and will exist as long as your heart is beating.
This love, is motherhood love.
So thank you Mom for carrying me for those nine long months filled with backaches and leg cramps, mood swings and heartburn.
Thank you for "oohing" and "aahing" through hours of contractions, for pushing your body to its limit so that I could be born.
Thank you for nursing me, holding me when I got a "boo boo," and reading me "Goodnight Moon" eight million times.
I understand now that I am still your baby, even though I have my own. You will always be my biggest fan, and you will always think about me as you drift off to sleep.
Yehuda Or climbs into my bed in the morning when he wakes up and I have to hold back from squeezing him too tight. He is perfect, and no matter how many mistakes he might make in his life, he will remain in some ways my innocent, beautiful baby boy.
Thank you for believing in me so strongly Mom, for being so invested in me.
Thank you so much for being my mom.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Back to Reality
After three days of "taking it easy" my lower back still seems to be in spasm, so instead of my usual laundry-dishes-sorting-organizing night activity I nestled into my bed and watched a movie. One of my childhood favorites is "The Secret Garden" which tells the story of a wealthy but neglected little girl that is orphaned and discovers many secrets in her uncle's Manor. Now, remember, I'm seven months pregnant here so my hormones are raging, but I found myself so emotional and engrossed in the story that I'm thinking "Why didn't this win an Oscar?" At the end of the movie (*spoiler alert*) a little boy reunites with his father who had avoided him because he was afraid of loving him. There I am, computer on my lap, absolutely bawling my eyes out as I watch little Colin reach for his father's cheek. I'm not exactly sure what the point is in writing this story, other than to communicate how perhaps out of whack (or just wonderfully sensitive) pregnancy makes me. Life is so FULL and emotional.
Our trip to the states was wonderful, if not a little (ok VERY) hectic and packed. We decided beforehand that the priority was spending time with family and friends, even if it meant a lot of schlepping and very little sleep. In Denver we got reconnect with my parents, brother, and a few other individuals that still feel like my family despite living so far away. Yehuda Or got absolutely doted upon, and we watched his development sky-rocket from all of the stimulation and love. We took a three day trip out to Minneapolis where we got to finally catch up with Eli's older sister and her family. It was so great to see Yehuda Or with a gang of cousins and it was a surprising treat that he loved "baby Shira" (his 7 month old cousin) and wanted to hold her and kiss her the entire time. I also did a one night trip to Florida with my mom and Yehuda Or. We got to spend some time with my grandfather which was very dear and felt very important. We also had the privilege of seeing one of my closest friends who is currently battling cancer. Her strength, optimism, and warmth (as well as her mother's) was so incredible, and it absolutely warmed my heart to be able to hug her and express how much I care about her during such a scary time.
So no, it wasn't a relaxing trip, but it was still invigorating and refreshing to step outside of our bubble of life and be so active and surrounded by so much love. Being away from Israel during the horrible events of the past month (Fogel murders, bus bomb, and rocket attacks) felt very strange. Oddly, it made me long for Israel and as soon as we stepped off the plane we couldn't stop saying "It's so good to be home." For the first time THIS feels like home and not "my other life." That realization is relieving and comforting.
After being on 8 planes in 3 weeks pregnant and with a 15 month old I feel like I can do anything. Temper tantrums with no AC and forty people giving you death glares? No problem. Having to force your toddler to walk through a metal detector by himself when you're about to miss your flight? That's nothing. If you need a boost in competence, travel with a toddler and a 6 pound weight strapped to your stomach. It's a ride. These are some points that stood out during our adventures:
1. The more food the better - especially horrible things like sugary cereal and chex mix. To continuously feed your child. Don't judge me.
2. Toys are not worth bringing - the plane is so stimulating and the new-ness is too distracting for blocks, legos, or anything they've seen before to be worth their time.
3. Thank G-d for individual movie screens! And kid's movies! Have you seen Lilo & Stitch? Because I have! 27 times!
4. The seatbelt is the best game ever. Eli and I took turns standing so that Yehuda Or could open and shut the seatbelt again and again and again and again...
5. Make friends with the flight attendants - they can make the flight a pleasant experience or absolute hell. One cranky flight attendant scoffed at me when I stood up to let Yehuda Or walk a bit. "Uchhhhh MAM, that's NOT really an OPtion, uchhhhhh."
6. When they come around with drinks always ALSO ask for a glass of water with whatever you get. The plane is so dehydrating, especially when you're pregnant. I found that the more water I drank, the more stamina I had.
7. Get to the gate on time to ensure that your stroller will be gate-checked! We had a 10 hour layover in London with no stroller. It was stressful to say the least.
I think that's it! Having an amazing husband who did the majority of the running around is obviously key ;). We are home now - finally settling in, although the jet-lag took 9 whole days to wear off. All three of us were awake until 2 am and sleeping until noon for a week. Pesach is around the corner and my back has suddenly decided to poop out on me. I'm trying my best to rest, relax, and not be too annoyed. But staying off my feet is very difficult with an active 15 month old. Thank G-d, we are all healthy and well. I hope everyone has a meaningful and uplifting Pesach! Chag Sameach!
Our trip to the states was wonderful, if not a little (ok VERY) hectic and packed. We decided beforehand that the priority was spending time with family and friends, even if it meant a lot of schlepping and very little sleep. In Denver we got reconnect with my parents, brother, and a few other individuals that still feel like my family despite living so far away. Yehuda Or got absolutely doted upon, and we watched his development sky-rocket from all of the stimulation and love. We took a three day trip out to Minneapolis where we got to finally catch up with Eli's older sister and her family. It was so great to see Yehuda Or with a gang of cousins and it was a surprising treat that he loved "baby Shira" (his 7 month old cousin) and wanted to hold her and kiss her the entire time. I also did a one night trip to Florida with my mom and Yehuda Or. We got to spend some time with my grandfather which was very dear and felt very important. We also had the privilege of seeing one of my closest friends who is currently battling cancer. Her strength, optimism, and warmth (as well as her mother's) was so incredible, and it absolutely warmed my heart to be able to hug her and express how much I care about her during such a scary time.
So no, it wasn't a relaxing trip, but it was still invigorating and refreshing to step outside of our bubble of life and be so active and surrounded by so much love. Being away from Israel during the horrible events of the past month (Fogel murders, bus bomb, and rocket attacks) felt very strange. Oddly, it made me long for Israel and as soon as we stepped off the plane we couldn't stop saying "It's so good to be home." For the first time THIS feels like home and not "my other life." That realization is relieving and comforting.
After being on 8 planes in 3 weeks pregnant and with a 15 month old I feel like I can do anything. Temper tantrums with no AC and forty people giving you death glares? No problem. Having to force your toddler to walk through a metal detector by himself when you're about to miss your flight? That's nothing. If you need a boost in competence, travel with a toddler and a 6 pound weight strapped to your stomach. It's a ride. These are some points that stood out during our adventures:
1. The more food the better - especially horrible things like sugary cereal and chex mix. To continuously feed your child. Don't judge me.
2. Toys are not worth bringing - the plane is so stimulating and the new-ness is too distracting for blocks, legos, or anything they've seen before to be worth their time.
3. Thank G-d for individual movie screens! And kid's movies! Have you seen Lilo & Stitch? Because I have! 27 times!
4. The seatbelt is the best game ever. Eli and I took turns standing so that Yehuda Or could open and shut the seatbelt again and again and again and again...
5. Make friends with the flight attendants - they can make the flight a pleasant experience or absolute hell. One cranky flight attendant scoffed at me when I stood up to let Yehuda Or walk a bit. "Uchhhhh MAM, that's NOT really an OPtion, uchhhhhh."
6. When they come around with drinks always ALSO ask for a glass of water with whatever you get. The plane is so dehydrating, especially when you're pregnant. I found that the more water I drank, the more stamina I had.
7. Get to the gate on time to ensure that your stroller will be gate-checked! We had a 10 hour layover in London with no stroller. It was stressful to say the least.
I think that's it! Having an amazing husband who did the majority of the running around is obviously key ;). We are home now - finally settling in, although the jet-lag took 9 whole days to wear off. All three of us were awake until 2 am and sleeping until noon for a week. Pesach is around the corner and my back has suddenly decided to poop out on me. I'm trying my best to rest, relax, and not be too annoyed. But staying off my feet is very difficult with an active 15 month old. Thank G-d, we are all healthy and well. I hope everyone has a meaningful and uplifting Pesach! Chag Sameach!
Sunday, March 13, 2011
It's a Sick World
Have you heard the news? I am a settler. It's true. And the best part is, my one year old son is a settler too. On top of the various other dangerous labels that I am subjected to (how about 'Jew' or 'American' or even 'woman'?) I now carry one of the media's most villified and stereotyped names of all. Settler. Let me explain how I discovered that this label is now my identity. That my voice as a mother, daughter, and human is now drowned out simply by my choice of neigborhood.
Friday night a Jewish family slept in their home. Please - as painful as it is - take a minute to think about your own home, your own family, and your own sleepy Friday night routine. The kids fall asleep, you do a few dishes, read a bit of your book, change into pajamas. Maybe you kiss your baby goodnight, but maybe you don't. After all, you'll see her in just a few hours when she wakes and reaches for you. You never imagine that you might not. Palestinian terrorists (and no, I will not call them 'freedom fighters' or 'intruders' or 'suspected militants') breached the neigborhood's security fence, snuck in to a random house in a row of identical houses, and stabbed to death five members of the Jewish family. Ruth, a mother of 6 children, struggled. Udi the father, 11 year old Yoav, 4 year old Elad, and 3 month old Hadas were knifed in their sleep. The newborn's throat was slashed.
What does my precious America have to say about this? What does my beloved country, in which I feel so at home, have to say about this horrific slaughter? Nothing really. I frantically typed "nytimes.com" begging G-d to see a vicious condemnation of this bloody reality. Homepage... nothing. I naively thought 'Is it possible that America doesn't know yet?' I scrolled down, down, down. Why wouldn't it be the feature story? Nothing. I clicked on the "World" button. Yes, shamefully, terrifyingly, it was there, under a headline that utterly betrayed me.
"SUSPECTING PALESTINIANS, ISRAELI MILITARY HUNTS FOR KILLERS OF 5 WEST BANK SETTLERS."
Hm... it seems that the IDF might be terribly mistaken and Palestinians might not be responsible for this... yes, that probably explains why parties of victory and happiness erupted throughout the West Bank and Gaza when these deaths were proudly proclaimed. It might not have been them after all. And here's the very best part about this headline - Ruth, Udi, Yoav, Elad, and even 3 month old Hadas, are "West Bank Settlers." I'm sure 4 year old Elad felt very strongly about his political opinions. It dawned on me, as I sat there in shock, reading this horrible headline over and over, that I'm not a person in this sick political madness. I found a beautiful apartment in a wonderful community. I am not passionately Zionisitic, and I am the first to end conversation if it starts to feel racist or generalizing of Palestinians. But I moved to Efrat, and that makes me, first and foremost, a Settler.
My heart is broken. I can't stop crying and all night I woke up frequently feeling like a close friend or relative had died. I can't accept that human beings can stab children, slit the throats of infants, and hand out candy in the streets for their victory. But even more, I cannot accept that this world will not condemn the murders of these PEOPLE. Not these Settlers. But If Ruth is a Settler, then I will honor her death by saying proudly that I too, am a Settler. I am ashamed of the reaction of the world. I am betrayed by its indifference, its silence, and its inhumanity. As a mother, daughter, sister, (Settler?), I am broken hearted and so so sorry for the Fogel family and their friends.
Friday night a Jewish family slept in their home. Please - as painful as it is - take a minute to think about your own home, your own family, and your own sleepy Friday night routine. The kids fall asleep, you do a few dishes, read a bit of your book, change into pajamas. Maybe you kiss your baby goodnight, but maybe you don't. After all, you'll see her in just a few hours when she wakes and reaches for you. You never imagine that you might not. Palestinian terrorists (and no, I will not call them 'freedom fighters' or 'intruders' or 'suspected militants') breached the neigborhood's security fence, snuck in to a random house in a row of identical houses, and stabbed to death five members of the Jewish family. Ruth, a mother of 6 children, struggled. Udi the father, 11 year old Yoav, 4 year old Elad, and 3 month old Hadas were knifed in their sleep. The newborn's throat was slashed.
What does my precious America have to say about this? What does my beloved country, in which I feel so at home, have to say about this horrific slaughter? Nothing really. I frantically typed "nytimes.com" begging G-d to see a vicious condemnation of this bloody reality. Homepage... nothing. I naively thought 'Is it possible that America doesn't know yet?' I scrolled down, down, down. Why wouldn't it be the feature story? Nothing. I clicked on the "World" button. Yes, shamefully, terrifyingly, it was there, under a headline that utterly betrayed me.
"SUSPECTING PALESTINIANS, ISRAELI MILITARY HUNTS FOR KILLERS OF 5 WEST BANK SETTLERS."
Hm... it seems that the IDF might be terribly mistaken and Palestinians might not be responsible for this... yes, that probably explains why parties of victory and happiness erupted throughout the West Bank and Gaza when these deaths were proudly proclaimed. It might not have been them after all. And here's the very best part about this headline - Ruth, Udi, Yoav, Elad, and even 3 month old Hadas, are "West Bank Settlers." I'm sure 4 year old Elad felt very strongly about his political opinions. It dawned on me, as I sat there in shock, reading this horrible headline over and over, that I'm not a person in this sick political madness. I found a beautiful apartment in a wonderful community. I am not passionately Zionisitic, and I am the first to end conversation if it starts to feel racist or generalizing of Palestinians. But I moved to Efrat, and that makes me, first and foremost, a Settler.
My heart is broken. I can't stop crying and all night I woke up frequently feeling like a close friend or relative had died. I can't accept that human beings can stab children, slit the throats of infants, and hand out candy in the streets for their victory. But even more, I cannot accept that this world will not condemn the murders of these PEOPLE. Not these Settlers. But If Ruth is a Settler, then I will honor her death by saying proudly that I too, am a Settler. I am ashamed of the reaction of the world. I am betrayed by its indifference, its silence, and its inhumanity. As a mother, daughter, sister, (Settler?), I am broken hearted and so so sorry for the Fogel family and their friends.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Jumping on the Sleep Training Bandwagon
There's nothing more frustrating and discombobulating then when something that's always worked, suddenly doesn't. I remember one morning before school in fifth grade realizing that my eyebrows, which had always been normal, were suddenly looking very much like Bert's from Sesame Street. And so, the life-long journey of tweezing began. Relationships are no different. You can't continue to put in the same amount of effort if you want a relationship to grow deeper. My teacher during Kallah classes said "there's no such thing as coasting through your marriage. If you aren't moving forwards, you're moving backwards." I have found this statement to be incredibly true as a wife. Being a good spouse takes energy, committment, and creativity. The conversations that felt intense and gave me butterflies while we were engaged are now old news. As a couple there is a need to continue to share, encourage, and expand communication or else the relationship could become dissapointing, boring, and eventually self-destructive. Thank G-d, I feel like Eli and I are very aware of the need to stay connected, even if that means changing and moving with one another in unexpected ways. But the biggest and clearest example in my life, is being able to give Yehuda Or what he needs. He is not a cute puppy that can be trained and will then wag his tail obediently, whine for his food, and accompany us on walks for the rest of his life. When you have a baby, you get a person. And this person needs me to keep up with him.
I have loved co-sleeping for the past 14 months. When he was a newborn, and I was nursing him every 45 minutes, it made the most sense to have him nestled against me. As he grew, Eli and I discussed the options and decided that at least until he was six months old we wanted him with us at night. There's something very special about drifting off to sleep all cuddled together, and waking up to a baby gently playing with your face is pure heaven. Falling asleep until about 3 months ago wasn't a big deal. He got sleepy around 8, at which point we would do a combination of rocking and nursing for about 30 minutes and then lay him down in his crib. When he woke up around 2 hours later, I would happily bring him into bed to nurse, loving the excuse to have such an early bedtime. But, just like when he started to eat real food it meant suddenly shopping for 3, and just like when he could crawl it meant babyproofing every inch of the house, Yehuda Or's sleep needs changed. It took a couple of months for us to realize that it wasn't because he had been sick, or because he was teething. Yes, those factors are important, but night-time had slowly become miserable for all three of us. Yehuda Or would be falling on his face with exhaustion, whining and crying no matter what we did. Rocking him in our arms made him more agitated, nursing seemed to make him want to eat, and it could easily be three or four hours of temper tantrums before he would finally pass out in front of the laptop watching Baby Einstein around 2 AM. Eli and I would have already each taken a turn and a nap, desperate for sleep.
I really avoided dealing with this change. I wanted so badly to believe that sleep training in any form would be traumatic and pure evil. But the more I read, and the more we lost control of our nights, I realized that this just might be the next step. It got to the point that I felt like he was asking us to teach him to go to sleep. He wasn't crying because he wanted another yogurt, or because he wanted to watch another movie. He was hysterical because he was exhausted and didn't know how to fall asleep. Now, I'm not going to pretend that there were no selfish motives behind the decision to sleep train. Evenings had become depressing and infuriating, Eli and I were snapping at each other, and I was starting to feel like an unhappy person due to sleep deprivation (let's not forget that during pregnancy you should be getting between 9-12 hours of sleep a day). So yes, we have officially jumped on the bandwagon. Tonight is only the second night so I can't yet tell you if our attempt has been successful, but I can sum up what we've done and how he's responded so far...
After reading everything from Ferber (super strict) to The No Cry Sleep Solution (big fat lie by the way that there's absolutely "no crying") we decided to go with the custom made Veffer Method. Our goals were as follows, in this order:
1. Teach him to fall asleep in his crib (not nursing, being held, or in our bed)
2. Not compromise on him feeling safe
3. Avoid crying as much as possible while ensuring that goal #1 is still successful
I can't lie - there was crying involved. You can't teach a baby to do something new and uncomfortable with absolutely zero tears. But here's the thing - Yehuda Or is not a five month old (no offense to those who sleep trained at five months, this is just the way I personally feel about it) with no understanding or awareness of "yes" and "no." He has temper tantrums, he wants things that he can't have, and he, unfortunately, must hear "no" every day. It's not a terrifying betrayal anymore for him to cry when he doesn't get what he wants. He also has an awareness of Ima and Abba now. He has been with a babysitter and knows that even if Ima is gone for a little while, she always comes back. I really felt like he had the internal tools to be able to handle this transition. Ok, to make a long story short, it went like this:
We turned on the night light, sang a little, nursed a little, and then put him in his crib and said "night night." We left the door open because a closed door is really scary for him. We took turns going in to him every 3 minutes. He cried. But when we came him he calmed down and eventually let us lie him down in his crib. After about 40 minutes of this we went in every 5 minutes. By this point he was exhuasted and also realizing that we weren't going to call it off. He started lying down very easily and wanting us to cover him with his blanket and tuck him in. In total it took an hour and twenty minutes. Eli patted his back gently when he went in for his check and Yehuda Or drifted off to sleep in less than a minute. He woke up an hour later and we patted his back just like before. He was asleep in 3 minutes. Then, something amazing happened. He slept until 2:50 AM. No nursing, no crying, just blissful sleep for all of us. At 2:50 I nursed him in the rocking chair, kissed him a LOT, and then put him back in his crib. He cried again and we did the exact same drill until 4:30. But, just like the time before, once he realized that he wasn't coming out, he lied down and fell asleep while we rubbed his back. Around 6:30 he woke up and I brought him into bed. We nursed and cuddled until 8. It felt amazing, and he got more sleep than he's gotten in over 2 months.
Tonight I started the routine an hour earlier because I think his schedule needs to be pulled back a bit. At 6:15 PM I dimmed the light, read him a couple of books, and sang some songs while he nursed in the rocking chair. I waited until his eyes closed and then gently unlatched him. He protested with a little cry, but when I put him in his crib and said "Here's your blanket and here's your sheep. Ima's here, and I love you. Night night." He closed his eyes, hugged his lamb, and was asleep in minutes. I left the room at 6:27 PM. Pretty good for the second night.
Honestly, I'm relieved to have begun this process. I've been anxious about how our sleep routine would handle another baby. I only feel slightly guilty, and it's not because I think this isn't the right decision for Yehuda Or, but because sleep training is something I spoke out against passionately and felt that there was never any appropriate time or place for. It's funny how parenthood's most consistent lesson (so far) has been "everyone is different." This change has forced me to re-evaluate my "rules" as a mother, and it has reminded me that like all important aspects of life, I need be able to recognize a need for change.
I have loved co-sleeping for the past 14 months. When he was a newborn, and I was nursing him every 45 minutes, it made the most sense to have him nestled against me. As he grew, Eli and I discussed the options and decided that at least until he was six months old we wanted him with us at night. There's something very special about drifting off to sleep all cuddled together, and waking up to a baby gently playing with your face is pure heaven. Falling asleep until about 3 months ago wasn't a big deal. He got sleepy around 8, at which point we would do a combination of rocking and nursing for about 30 minutes and then lay him down in his crib. When he woke up around 2 hours later, I would happily bring him into bed to nurse, loving the excuse to have such an early bedtime. But, just like when he started to eat real food it meant suddenly shopping for 3, and just like when he could crawl it meant babyproofing every inch of the house, Yehuda Or's sleep needs changed. It took a couple of months for us to realize that it wasn't because he had been sick, or because he was teething. Yes, those factors are important, but night-time had slowly become miserable for all three of us. Yehuda Or would be falling on his face with exhaustion, whining and crying no matter what we did. Rocking him in our arms made him more agitated, nursing seemed to make him want to eat, and it could easily be three or four hours of temper tantrums before he would finally pass out in front of the laptop watching Baby Einstein around 2 AM. Eli and I would have already each taken a turn and a nap, desperate for sleep.
I really avoided dealing with this change. I wanted so badly to believe that sleep training in any form would be traumatic and pure evil. But the more I read, and the more we lost control of our nights, I realized that this just might be the next step. It got to the point that I felt like he was asking us to teach him to go to sleep. He wasn't crying because he wanted another yogurt, or because he wanted to watch another movie. He was hysterical because he was exhausted and didn't know how to fall asleep. Now, I'm not going to pretend that there were no selfish motives behind the decision to sleep train. Evenings had become depressing and infuriating, Eli and I were snapping at each other, and I was starting to feel like an unhappy person due to sleep deprivation (let's not forget that during pregnancy you should be getting between 9-12 hours of sleep a day). So yes, we have officially jumped on the bandwagon. Tonight is only the second night so I can't yet tell you if our attempt has been successful, but I can sum up what we've done and how he's responded so far...
After reading everything from Ferber (super strict) to The No Cry Sleep Solution (big fat lie by the way that there's absolutely "no crying") we decided to go with the custom made Veffer Method. Our goals were as follows, in this order:
1. Teach him to fall asleep in his crib (not nursing, being held, or in our bed)
2. Not compromise on him feeling safe
3. Avoid crying as much as possible while ensuring that goal #1 is still successful
I can't lie - there was crying involved. You can't teach a baby to do something new and uncomfortable with absolutely zero tears. But here's the thing - Yehuda Or is not a five month old (no offense to those who sleep trained at five months, this is just the way I personally feel about it) with no understanding or awareness of "yes" and "no." He has temper tantrums, he wants things that he can't have, and he, unfortunately, must hear "no" every day. It's not a terrifying betrayal anymore for him to cry when he doesn't get what he wants. He also has an awareness of Ima and Abba now. He has been with a babysitter and knows that even if Ima is gone for a little while, she always comes back. I really felt like he had the internal tools to be able to handle this transition. Ok, to make a long story short, it went like this:
We turned on the night light, sang a little, nursed a little, and then put him in his crib and said "night night." We left the door open because a closed door is really scary for him. We took turns going in to him every 3 minutes. He cried. But when we came him he calmed down and eventually let us lie him down in his crib. After about 40 minutes of this we went in every 5 minutes. By this point he was exhuasted and also realizing that we weren't going to call it off. He started lying down very easily and wanting us to cover him with his blanket and tuck him in. In total it took an hour and twenty minutes. Eli patted his back gently when he went in for his check and Yehuda Or drifted off to sleep in less than a minute. He woke up an hour later and we patted his back just like before. He was asleep in 3 minutes. Then, something amazing happened. He slept until 2:50 AM. No nursing, no crying, just blissful sleep for all of us. At 2:50 I nursed him in the rocking chair, kissed him a LOT, and then put him back in his crib. He cried again and we did the exact same drill until 4:30. But, just like the time before, once he realized that he wasn't coming out, he lied down and fell asleep while we rubbed his back. Around 6:30 he woke up and I brought him into bed. We nursed and cuddled until 8. It felt amazing, and he got more sleep than he's gotten in over 2 months.
Tonight I started the routine an hour earlier because I think his schedule needs to be pulled back a bit. At 6:15 PM I dimmed the light, read him a couple of books, and sang some songs while he nursed in the rocking chair. I waited until his eyes closed and then gently unlatched him. He protested with a little cry, but when I put him in his crib and said "Here's your blanket and here's your sheep. Ima's here, and I love you. Night night." He closed his eyes, hugged his lamb, and was asleep in minutes. I left the room at 6:27 PM. Pretty good for the second night.
Honestly, I'm relieved to have begun this process. I've been anxious about how our sleep routine would handle another baby. I only feel slightly guilty, and it's not because I think this isn't the right decision for Yehuda Or, but because sleep training is something I spoke out against passionately and felt that there was never any appropriate time or place for. It's funny how parenthood's most consistent lesson (so far) has been "everyone is different." This change has forced me to re-evaluate my "rules" as a mother, and it has reminded me that like all important aspects of life, I need be able to recognize a need for change.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Moving On
Yehuda Or has started giving random kisses. It's probably the most delicious experience in the world. He leans forward, presses his lips together, and goes "mmmm" and then rams his face into mine. It's fantastic.
This kid has been changing so much lately - in one week he can learn 15 new words, master some new motor-development skill, and understand 5 new concepts. What can I do in a week? I actually just read that by age 3, 85-90% of a person's brain structure is formed for life. The brain development and stimulation that impact the brain capacity has either taken place or it hasn't. That means that Yehuda Or is doing SO much every second. It's amazing to think that everything he experiences means so much - nothing isn't processed by that busy brain of his. I thought I would use this blog post as an opportunity to chart his milestones so far. If this is totally boring to you, please feel free to skip it. I guess it's starting classes again (in Human Development) that inspired this post. I just think it's so cool to see how quickly a baby changes! So here we go:
8 weeks: first smile that was an actual reaction (to me making some silly sound)
3 months: first full out laugh
4 months: first taste of food (apple sauce)
5 months: first roll both from tummy to back and from back to tummy
6 months: began crawling
6.5 months: first 2 bottom teeth
7 months: 4 top teeth
8 months: began pulling himself up into a standing position on furniture
9 months: began cruising (walking along furniture)
11 months: started calling both Eli and I some form of "Ma" or "Ba" (interchangeable)
12 months: first real, consistent word: "Clock"
12.5 months: started taking two or three steps all by himself
13 months: so many words! Among my favorites are apple ("appo"), ketchup ("pepup"), and shut ("chut!")
13.5 months: first real temper tantrum... not so fun...
Ok, now that we're all up to date on Yehuda Or's development... I want to share that we are officially moving to Efrat! We are so excited. I've begun the packing process, which always feels daunting, but after doing this twice already I know that slow and steady wins the race. I feel like a really great chapter of our lives is around the corner. Of course I'm obsessing about little details, like what color to paint the new living room. If I go with a light peach, will it be too boring? If I go with a gray-blue, will it be too boyish? Ah, the catastrophic painting possibilities are endless. Luckily, I just found out my upstairs neighbor is an interior designer, so the answer to this huge dilemma might be just upstairs. Ok, jokes aside, we're so so happy to be moving. The people so far have been incredibly friendly, welcoming, and helpful. I can't wait to settle in and get ready for the new addition to our family!
Speaking of which, I've started feeling hiccups, which is just the sweetest feeling. It's like I'm a human microwave and popcorn is being lightly popped in my stomach. Except it's my child! I giggle every time.
Wishing everyone a chodesh and shavuah tov!
This kid has been changing so much lately - in one week he can learn 15 new words, master some new motor-development skill, and understand 5 new concepts. What can I do in a week? I actually just read that by age 3, 85-90% of a person's brain structure is formed for life. The brain development and stimulation that impact the brain capacity has either taken place or it hasn't. That means that Yehuda Or is doing SO much every second. It's amazing to think that everything he experiences means so much - nothing isn't processed by that busy brain of his. I thought I would use this blog post as an opportunity to chart his milestones so far. If this is totally boring to you, please feel free to skip it. I guess it's starting classes again (in Human Development) that inspired this post. I just think it's so cool to see how quickly a baby changes! So here we go:
8 weeks: first smile that was an actual reaction (to me making some silly sound)
3 months: first full out laugh
4 months: first taste of food (apple sauce)
5 months: first roll both from tummy to back and from back to tummy
6 months: began crawling
6.5 months: first 2 bottom teeth
7 months: 4 top teeth
8 months: began pulling himself up into a standing position on furniture
9 months: began cruising (walking along furniture)
11 months: started calling both Eli and I some form of "Ma" or "Ba" (interchangeable)
12 months: first real, consistent word: "Clock"
12.5 months: started taking two or three steps all by himself
13 months: so many words! Among my favorites are apple ("appo"), ketchup ("pepup"), and shut ("chut!")
13.5 months: first real temper tantrum... not so fun...
Ok, now that we're all up to date on Yehuda Or's development... I want to share that we are officially moving to Efrat! We are so excited. I've begun the packing process, which always feels daunting, but after doing this twice already I know that slow and steady wins the race. I feel like a really great chapter of our lives is around the corner. Of course I'm obsessing about little details, like what color to paint the new living room. If I go with a light peach, will it be too boring? If I go with a gray-blue, will it be too boyish? Ah, the catastrophic painting possibilities are endless. Luckily, I just found out my upstairs neighbor is an interior designer, so the answer to this huge dilemma might be just upstairs. Ok, jokes aside, we're so so happy to be moving. The people so far have been incredibly friendly, welcoming, and helpful. I can't wait to settle in and get ready for the new addition to our family!
Speaking of which, I've started feeling hiccups, which is just the sweetest feeling. It's like I'm a human microwave and popcorn is being lightly popped in my stomach. Except it's my child! I giggle every time.
Wishing everyone a chodesh and shavuah tov!
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